20 Questions Naturists Always Get Asked (And the Ridiculous Answers We Wish We Could Give)

We have all been asked these in one form or another!

Every naturist knows the endless questions naturists get asked… they never stop, and they’re usually kinda hilarious.

If you’ve been a naturist for more than five minutes, you’ve probably heard some version of these over and over again. People can’t help themselves. Their brains short-circuit the moment they picture a group of humans without pockets, belts, or zippers. Suddenly we’re not people anymore… we’re walking, talking FAQ sheets for a lifestyle they can’t quite wrap their clothed heads around.

So instead of giving the same patient, logical answers every time (“No, it’s not sexual,” “Yes, we sit on towels”), we thought we’d try something new. Answer with the kind of ridiculous, abstract responses that are at least as weird as the questions themselves.

Because if we can’t laugh, we’ll end up starting a support group called Naturists Anonymous: “Hi, my name is Kevin, and yes, I’m still naked.”

Questions Naturists Get Asked

1. “But don’t you get cold?”

Only when someone reminds us that we are Canadian. Otherwise, we’re powered by sunshine, stubbornness, and the deep belief that goosebumps are nature’s glitter. A nice warm pair of socks and a toque solve the issue. And let’s be honest… if you see a naturist shivering, they’re not cold. They’re just regretting that second frozen margarita.

2. “Where do you put your keys?”

Into the same black hole where that one warm sock vanishes in the dryer. Occasionally, our car beeps from another dimension, but we’ve accepted that as part of the lifestyle. Naturists don’t misplace keys… we transcend them. Besides, if you’re truly dedicated, your car unlocks telepathically the moment you stand nude in the driveway.

3. “What if you get… you know… aroused?”

We call this the “pinecone protocol”. Stare at a pinecone until the moment passes. Works every time. Unless the pinecone looks particularly alluring, which can cause complicated feelings. You know what I mean… those darn pinecones with boobs. In that case, we recommend switching to an acorn.

4. “Do you wear shoes?”

Of course… we’re naturists, not masochists. Shoes protect us from rocks, thorns, and the occasional Lego. Beyond that, the ground becomes our universal shoe. Which technically makes us the socks. We’re okay with this.

5. “How do you play sports without clothes?”

The short answer… carefully. The long answer… we’ve redefined “high stakes” badminton. If you’ve never seen a grown man do the splits to avoid a rogue shuttlecock, you haven’t truly lived. Naturist dodgeball? That’s where heroes are made.

6. “What do you sit on?”

Towels, clouds, or our own sense of misplaced optimism. Every naturist knows the sacred creed… “Thou shalt not bare thy cheeks upon public benches.” Towels are our shield, our blanket, our Swiss Army knife. One day, they’ll replace capes in superhero movies.

7. “Do you have to be good looking?”

Absolutely. Every naturist is a Greek god in their own eyes. When the clothes come off, suddenly we’re all statues in the world’s strangest museum… glistening in sunscreen instead of marble. Sure, some of us are more Zeus after a few too many beers than Apollo in his prime, but beauty is perspective. In naturism, the mirror isn’t a critic… it’s a worshipper.

8. “What about bugs?”

We’ve reached an uneasy peace treaty. Mosquitoes get the left butt cheek, deer flies sublet the right. Ticks are still negotiating their contract. If a wasp appears, naturists scatter like a Benny Hill chase scene. Towels flapping, flip-flops flying, sunscreen bottles rolling across the grass. Wasps are the drunk uncles of the insect world… crashing every picnic, picking fights with potato salad, and stinging just because they can.

As for bees, they’ve been permanently banned since “The Incident”, which we will not discuss again without alcohol!

9. “What if the neighbors see you?”

We wave. They either wave back or start packing. Naturism has a natural property-value filter. Either you end up with like-minded neighbors, or suddenly you have no neighbors at all. Win-win!

10. “Do you wear clothes at home?”

Not unless we’re auditioning for a role in society. At home, clothes are about as useful as an umbrella in a hurricane. The only time we scramble for fabric is when the doorbell rings. And even then, we’re not fooling anyone. Throwing on a robe at the last second doesn’t scream “modesty,” it screams, “You caught me mid-freedom, Karen.” Honestly, the delivery drivers have seen it all. They’re the unsung heroes of naturism, quietly handing over pepperoni pizzas to people who are wearing nothing but confidence.

11. “What if it rains?”

Then we’re wet. Revolutionary, isn’t it! Rain just means free showers, fewer bugs, and a chance to re-enact every dramatic movie scene we’ve ever secretly wanted to try. Naturists don’t cancel plans because of rain; we just rename it “spa day.” Seriously… just grab a bar of soap!

12. “Isn’t it unsanitary?”

Absolutely. That’s why the CDC recently recommended all naturists be stored at 4°C (39.2 F for our US friends) and turned every 12 hours for freshness. We’re basically walking raw chicken, right? One bare cheek on a park bench and boom… salmonella outbreak. Except… not really. In practice, naturists are pretty clean creatures. We wash, we rinse, we actually know what our skin has touched. Meanwhile, people in sweaty dirty shorts think they’re the sanitary ones. Spoiler: they’re just marinating.

And as mentioned above… you’ll pry our fluffy towel shields from our cold, clean hands.

13. “What if you have to bend over?”

We bend. The earth sees what it sees. The real danger isn’t exposure… it’s making eye contact with someone while you’re mid–garden weed-pull. That’s a moment you can never come back from. In all seriousness… just wink back!

14. “What if you sunburn your bits?”

Then congratulations… you’ve unlocked a level of pain normally reserved for Greek tragedies. Walking becomes interpretive dance, sitting is replaced by hovering, and suddenly you’re praying to gods you didn’t even believe in yesterday. Aloe vera stops being a plant and becomes your new life partner. We’ve seen naturists so red they could guide ships into harbor. One poor soul bent over once and lit a barbecue. If you’ve never waddled like a penguin because the sun kissed where it shouldn’t, you haven’t truly lived naked.

A burned butt is nature’s way of saying: “You got cocky.”

15. “Do you ever forget you’re naked?”

Absolutely. Usually when reaching for a pocket that doesn’t exist. We’ve all been there… patting our thigh like it owes us money. The realization hits, and we laugh, because the absence of pockets is oddly freeing. Except when you’re trying to hide snacks.

16. “Isn’t it sexual?”

Yes, unbearably. At a nude beach, the passion is overwhelming. Nothing makes me hotter than Jim describing his vintage beer can collection in loving detail. Or Kathy explaining sunscreen SPF ratings as if she personally invented the sun. By the time volleyball ends, we’re all trembling with orgy anticipation. Of course, it’s actually pain from groin pulls, but hey… call it arousal if it helps.

Nothing says sexy like forty naked people trying to eat sandwiches while dive-bombing seagulls plot their next attack.

17. “Where do you keep your phone?”

We don’t just toss it on a towel like amateurs. Naturists have cutting-edge tech solutions. The most advanced among us wear the Tactical Naturist Utility Belt™. A sleek strap that holds a phone on one side and a sunscreen holster on the other, ready for a quick-draw at high noon. Some even accessorize with towel clips and bug spray canisters, like a commando heading into battle with nothing but courage and SPF 50. And it comes in all skin colors!

Forget fashion shows… the real runway is a naturist beach when someone unclips their phone from the belt and whips it out faster than a cowboy in a spaghetti western.

18. “Don’t you get scratches in nature?”

Yes. They’re called “authenticity badges.” A bramble scratch across your shin is proof you’ve lived. And unlike tattoos, they’re free, temporary, and come with a good story: “That scar on my butt cheek? Brushed past a rose bush while chasing a Frisbee. Totally worth it.”

19. “But what about the children?”

Oh, the children? Totally ruined. Scarred for life! We now have a whole generation of naturist kids who can’t function in society. They’re scarred from building sandcastles, permanently damaged from laughing at belly flops, and emotionally shattered after seeing their parents eat watermelon without a shirt on. Therapy bills are through the roof! …Oh wait, you meant traumatized by being around nude people? No, they’re fine. The only lasting damage comes from adults hissing in their ear that their body is sinful and shameful… that’s the real horror story.

20. “Isn’t it illegal?”

Oh, absolutely. We naturists live in constant fear of the fashion police. Get caught weeding your garden in the nude and you could be sentenced to 90 days of mandatory pants. Repeat offenders? Straight to underwear AND pants. In some towns, rumor has it they hand out tickets for “Excessive Vitamin D Intake” and slap you with a fine if your tan lines don’t line up with municipal dress codes. The horror! Of course, we’re joking (except about forced underwear… that really should be illegal).

In reality, unless you’re in one of the rare countries with extreme laws that punish nudity harshly, and we are not talking about those, the worst you’ll usually face is a fine, an awkward court date, or a judge who doesn’t appreciate naked jokes. Everyday naturism in appropriate spaces? Pretty safe. Just, maybe… don’t show up naked in court. They frown on defendants who cross-examine in the buff. Then, well… you might get a conviction instead of a tan.

Closing

And that’s it… twenty of the common questions naturists get asked, finally answered with the seriousness of a clown car on fire.

Will people stop asking them? Not a chance. Tomorrow, someone will still ask about erections in nudism and we will kindly respond… even though we sometimes want to drop a sarcastic bombshell! But now you’re armed.

Seriously, use these. Borrow them, twist them, yell them across the picnic table if you must. Think of them as your Naturist Emergency Kit™. We’re talking towel whips for dramatic exits, sunscreen grenades for distraction, and the ability to point at Jim’s beer can collection and shout, “THIS is what makes me horny!”

Because here’s the truth… naturists don’t need clothes. But we do need punchlines. And maybe sandwiches that seagulls can’t steal.

So the next time someone asks if it’s illegal, sexual, or traumatizing the kids, just smile, whip out one of these ridiculous answers, and watch their face do the same thing everyone’s towel does in the wind… flap wildly, then collapse in confusion.

If you still want a few more laughs… check out our article Naked in Nature… and Nature Bites Back

---

We hope you enjoy our human experiences in naturism. Please share, like, leave a comment and subscribe here to get notified when we post something new.

You can also “Buy us a coffee” if you liked our article!