The Official Naturist Code

(Completely serious. Absolutely authoritative. Universally agreed upon by no one.)

If you’ve been around the naturist world for more than ten minutes, you’ve probably met at least one person who believes naturism is governed by a sacred rulebook… a kind of nudist scripture carved into stone tablets and preserved somewhere between a sandy beach and a Facebook group full of people arguing about towels.

We’ve lost count of how many times someone has lectured us about the “proper” way to naturist. Recently we were questioned that we were not following the “nudist code” because we shave and are not all natural.

And every time we hear it, we can’t help but smile.

So today, we thought we’d finally do it. We’re giving the world what it desperately needs:

The Official Naturist Code

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RULE 1: Thou Shalt Not Bend Over Wrong

Picking up a sandal?

A towel?

A runaway grape?

Naturists must bend at exactly a 37-degree angle.

Any deviation will cause Gerald… every naturist community has a Gerald… to whisper,

“See? This is why naturism is declining.”

Naturist Code Statement: “All bending must be performed with the grace of a sunrise yoga instructor, the precision of a surveyor, and the modesty of someone aware that Gerald is always watching.”

RULE 2: The Towel Rule That Everyone Knows but Nobody Explains the Same Way

You must ALWAYS sit on a towel

You only need a towel if the surface is shared

You need two towels (???)

Towels are optional if you showered

Towels must be cotton

Towels must be microfiber

Towels represent purity (???)

Towels must be white… or blue… just not the same as the person next to you.

Thou shalt not use another person’s towel… unless they offer… or left it behind.

Towels attract government surveillance beams.

Naturist Code Statement: “Always sit on a towel… unless the beach philosopher of the day announces a revised interpretation. But use whatever towel you want… someone will correct you anyway.”

RULE 3: Erections Are Normal, Shameful, Fine, Forbidden, Encouraged, or Whatever Today’s REDDIT Thread Says

The rules shift hourly depending on weather, temperature, and cloud shapes resembling seductive dolphins, you must:

A) Pretend nothing’s happening

B) Dive into the ocean

C) Hide behind your partner

D) Start explaining hormones like you suddenly have a PhD

E) Wander the space greeting everyone at full mast like you’ve been appointed the ceremonial lighthouse keeper of the nude beach.

Naturist Code Statement: “(Please don’t actually choose E. Ever. For the love of naturism.)”

RULE 4: Hats Are Mandatory, Except When They Are Not

Naturist hat guidelines remain deeply contradictory:

No hats! (say purists)

Only hats! (say dermatologists)

Cowboy hats only (say swingers)

Sun hats or you’re irresponsible (say everyone with Irish skin)

Naturist Code Statement: “Wear a hat. Or don’t. But don’t argue about it for three hours.”

RULE 5: Keep Your Eyes Up Here, Pervert

Naturists must make eye contact.

But not too much.

And not too little.

And god help you if you stare at the sky like you’re praying to the Nude Gods.

Naturist Code Statement: “Correct viewing angle: 11 degrees upward, 4 degrees left. Practice at home.”

RULE 6: Photography Is Strictly Controlled

No cameras.

Cameras welcome!

Only phones.

No phones.

Phones okay if you blur people.

Don’t blur people because that’s creepy.

It’s fine if you’re an influencer.

Photos promote naturism

Photos ruin naturism

Photos are fine if I take them

Photos are evil unless they’re artsy

Photos must only be natural… not posed

Naturist Code statement: “Photography is allowed unless someone personally dislikes the photographer, the subject, the lighting, or the pose… you’ll find out which when they comment.”

Official ruling: If Corin takes one more forest photo with me blurred, someone will quote Clause 17(b) of the Imaginary Naturist Canon, Revised 1987.

RULE 7: Tattoos Must Be Admired, Ignored, Discussed, Misinterpreted, and Ranked… Simultaneously

Naturists love tattoos.

Naturists fear tattoos.

Naturists have opinions about tattoos.

If you have tattoos, people will stare.

If you don’t have tattoos, people will still stare because they’re trying to decide whether you “seem like someone who should.”

If you have one tiny tattoo, someone will call it “bold.”

If you have full sleeves, someone will whisper, “Ah, a rebel.”

If your tattoo is in a sensitive area, someone will absolutely pretend they’re reading a menu behind you.

Naturist Code statement: “Naturists must comment on tattoos in a tone that sounds supportive but also vaguely confused.”

Unacceptable comments include:

“Is that real?”

“Does it wipe off?”

“Ohhhh… interesting placement.”

“I didn’t expect you to have one there.”

Bonus violation:

Asking “What does it mean?” while pointing somewhere that should never be pointed at.

RULE 8: The Hair Issue (Body, Facial, Accidental, Intentional, Otherwise)

Naturists may:

Shave

Not shave

Groom

Not groom

Trim

Hedge-trim

Let nature reclaim the land

Or create modern topiary art

Naturist Code statement: “Whatever you personally didn’t choose.”

RULE 9: Women Must Do Everything Perfectly at All Times

Women must:

Smile, but gently

Pose, but modestly. Legs must be closed at all times… unless sitting comfortably … or playing sports… or tanning that area… or scratching.

Share photos, but not too many

Be confident, but not intimidating

Be natural, but not “messy natural”

Look good while claiming they’re not trying to look good

Naturist Code statement: “Women must maintain a state of effortless perfection at all times, as determined exclusively by people who have never once met their own standards.”

Penalty for failure: 300 opinions from people with profile pictures of abstract animals.

RULE 10: Men Must Stop Talking About Their Penises

That’s it.

That’s the whole rule.

Subsections include:

Section 10(a): Stop angling the camera downward.

Section 10(b): No one wants close-ups.

Section 10(c): Yes, we know you named it. Don’t tell us.

RULE 11: Jewelry and Body Adornments Must Be Minimal, Elaborate, Symbolic, Forbidden, Required, Spiritual, Trashy, Sacred, and Also Never Worn… Depending on Who You Ask

A single necklace? “Elegant.”

Two necklaces? “Trying too hard.”

Three necklaces? “Are you auditioning for a Renaissance festival?”

Anklets are cute… unless they’re “Too Suggestive.”*

Toe rings are acceptable on Tuesdays but forbidden on weekends unless worn ironically.

Naturist Code Statement: “Jewelry should be simple… except when it should be bold.”

If a woman wears a body chain: “Beautiful self-expression!”

If a man wears one: “Is he okay?”

Naturist Code Statement: “Body chains are either empowering or the downfall of Naturism… depends entirely on who saw it first.”

You may not sound like sleigh bells approaching the beach.

Naturist Code Statement: “Anything that jingles is considered both charming and deeply distracting”

Feather earrings? Spiritual.

Feather earrings longer than 10 cm? “You’re summoning spirits again, aren’t you?”

Naturist Code Statement: “Sacred jewelry is encouraged: Unless it looks ‘Too Witchy.’”

Now, The Items Absolutely Not Considered Jewelry (But Somehow Always Appear)

Cock rings are “self-expression”… except when they’re “sexual”… except when someone claims they’re “fashion”… which is always wrong.

Genital cages are “bold,” “liberating,” “concerning,” and “sir, please put on a towel,” depending on the audience.

Butt plugs are “art,”“performance art,” “not appropriate,”“disturbingly festive,” or “why does it light up?”

Tails are “fun,”“cute,”“not naturist,”“very naturist,” or “why is he wagging at the snack bar?”

Naturist Code Statement: “If your adornment requires lube, locks, a remote control, WiFi, veterinary classification, or instructions longer than one page… the Naturist Code both allows it and absolutely forbids it. But if you can’t explain it to the eight-year-old who will 100% point at it and ask loudly…‘Why is it shiny?’ or ‘Does it come off?’… don’t wear it.” ”

RULE 12: The Real Rule Everyone Pretends Isn’t the Real Rule

Naturists must insist naturism has:

“No rules! No expectations! Pure freedom!”

Then immediately add:

“Except that you absolutely must bring a towel, keep a neutral stance on hats, and never sit under that palm tree because it’s reserved for seniors who arrived before sunrise.”

Naturist Code Statement: “Naturism shall remain a rule-free philosophy governed entirely by an unwritten rulebook that everyone denies exists but absolutely enforces.”

RULE 13: Food Etiquette: Eating Naked Is Simultaneously Normal and Deeply Disturbing

Eating nude is natural

Eating nude is disgusting

Eating nude is perfectly fine unless it’s a hot dog

Eating nude is okay if it’s fruit

Eating nude is never okay if it’s a popsicle

Eating nude is okay only if no one is watching, unless someone is watching, in which case stop eating

Naturist Code Statement: “Always eat naked unless someone thinks it looks sexual, in which case please stop immediately and reflect on your choices.”

RULE 14: Footwear Is Optional, Unless It Isn’t

Barefoot is pure.

Sandals are practical.

Flip flops are suspicious.

Trail shoes make you look like you’re training for the naturist Olympics.

Naturist Code Statement: “Whateveryou choose, explain your footwear choice loudly and repeatedly.”

RULE 15: Naked Yoga Is Mandatory (Except When Absolutely Forbidden)

Naked yoga is:

Essential

Optional

Community-building

Deeply personal

Encouraged

Discouraged

Required

Banned on Thursdays

depending entirely on who you ask and what position they saw last.

Naturist beliefs include:

Real naturists do yoga every morning.

Yoga is optional, but you should still do it.

Yoga is not sexual.

Yoga looks sexual if you’re bad at boundaries.

Downward Dog is fine.

Downward Dog in public is a political statement.

Upward Dog is too showy.

Child’s Pose is suspiciously quiet.

If you cannot hold a perfect Tree Pose while fully nude in strong wind, are you even serious about naturism?

Naturist Yoga Etiquette requires:

Graceful poses

Mindful breathing

Absolutely no squeaking on your mat

And zero farting, even though everyone is pretending it would be “totally natural”

Anyone who completes a full sun salutation earns the admiration of the group.

Anyone who attempts Happy Baby earns the group’s silent horror.

Naturist Code Statement: “Yoga is an essential but optional requirement of naturism, to be performed daily except when inconvenient, uncomfortable, embarrassing, windy, sandy, observed by Gerald, or just because you don’t want to.”

RULE 16: The “Naturist Smile” Too Friendly vs. Not Friendly Enough

Smile at people

Don’t smile too much

Smiling is welcoming

Smiling is creepy

Smiling is natural

Smiling is “flirt vibes”

Not smiling means you’re judging others

Smiling AND not smiling are both wrong

Naturist Code Statement: “Use your face in a pleasant but non-threatening manner, with no emotion whatsoever.”

RULE 17: Sunscreen: Apply It, Don’t Apply It, Apply It Wrong, and Also Why Are You Shiny?

Sunscreen is essential

Sunscreen is poison

Sunscreen ruins the aesthetic

Sunscreen must be all natural… or the 5 gallon jug from Costco

Sunscreen should be applied every 14 minutes

Sunscreen makes you “too glossy,” which is suspicious

Naturist Code Statement: “Apply enough sunscreen to avoid burns, but not so much that you look like a greased rotisserie chicken.”

RULE 18: The Sacred Ritual of the Beach Bag

Naturists must pack:

Sunscreen

More sunscreen

Snacks

Keys

Hat

Spare clothes

Things they will never touch

Existential dread

Naturist Code Statement: “A proper naturist bag must appear effortlessly minimal while containing half the contents of a small pharmacy and be large enough to hold regrets but small enough to look effortless.”

RULE 19: Deny the Existence of the Code, Then Enforce the Code

Step 1:

“I’m not one of those naturists who polices everyone.”

Step 2 (thirty seconds later):

“But actually, you’re doing that completely wrong.”

Naturists insist they’re easygoing, chill, unbothered spirits of the sun…right before launching into a detailed critique of your posture, your hat angle, your sunscreen shine, your sarong fringes, your towel density.

Naturist Code Statement: “All naturists must claim to be laid-back while aggressively enforcing the parts of the Code they personally made up yesterday.”

RULE 20: Respect The High Council of Perpetually Correct Naturists

Final rule:

The Naturist Code must be enforced by people who pretend they’ve never heard of it.

Membership includes:

Unlimited authority

Zero consistency

Lifetime access to lecture strangers online and in public

Naturist Code Statement: “The High Council shall be obeyed at all times, despite having no formal structure, qualifications, or awareness they are on the High Council.”

THE ACTUAL RULEBOOK (THE ONE THAT EXISTS IN REAL LIFE)

After all the jokes, there’s still only ever been one real naturist rule:

“Respect for self. Respect of others. Respect the environment. Don’t sexualize others or the space. Don’t act like naturism was delivered on stone tablets”

OK… five rules.

Everything else?

Just noise.

Funny noise, but still noise.

If you want a few more laughs, check out these articles: “Nudity: Embracing the Awkward” and “20 Questions Naturists Always Get Asked (And the Ridiculous Answers We Wish We Could Give)“

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